Road to El Dorado Funny Quotes
Mississippi: [examining J.P.'s leg after he's been shot] I gotta cut this pant leg.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Well, go ahead and cut it! Have you got a kni...
[Mississippi pulls out his huge Bowie knife from its hiding place on his back]
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: A knife? Uh, I suppose I've asked this before, but just who...?
[looks at Cole instead]
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Who is he?
Cole: Tell him your name, Mississippi.
Mississippi: [sighs and looks up] Alan Bourdillion Trehearne.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Well, no wonder he carries a knife.
Bull Harris: [about Cole and Mississippi going on patrol] If you're gonna do that, here's a couple of badges.
[gives them to Cole and Mississippi]
Bull Harris: Now, raise your right hand.
[they do as told]
Bull Harris: I forgot the words, but you better say 'I do'!
Cole,Mississippi: I do!
Bull Harris: Now you're deputies!
Mississippi: You suppose these will do any good if somebody takes a shot at us?
Bull Harris: Give them a good mark to shoot at.
Mississippi: [while mixing some hangover cure] Let's see. We got ipecac and mustard and cayenne. That leaves us asafetida.
Cole: Are you sure that Johnny Diamond wasn't an embalmer?
Bull Harris: He ain't put that stopper back in that bottle in a coon's age.
Bart Jason: [Thornton is trying to distract McLeod outside of Jason's saloon] Didn't expect to see you here, Mr. Thornton.
Cole: Hello, McLeod.
Bart Jason: I said...
Nelse McLeod: My show, Jason. Hi, Thornton.
Cole: There's a little question... unanswered between us.
Nelse McLeod: Which one of us is best?
Cole: That's right.
Nelse McLeod: I don't think we're gonna find out the answer to that question.
Cole: No?
Nelse McLeod: No. Your gun hand's no good.
Cole: You just give me time to get down off of this wagon and we'll find out.
Nelse McLeod: Why should I give you any time?
Cole: Call it professional courtesy.
Bart Jason: Don't listen to him. Why should you give him time?
Nelse McLeod: Curiosity, Jason.
Cole: [Bull blows his bugle, and when McLeod turns around, Thornton dives off the wagon and mortally wounds McLeod with a hidden gun] McLeod?
Nelse McLeod: You didn't give me any chance at all, did you?
Cole: No, I didn't. You're too good to give a chance to.
Nelse McLeod: Yeah. I let a one-armed man take me.
Cole: Either one of ya know a fast way to sober a man up?
Bull Harris: A bunch of howlin' indians out for hair'll do it quicker'n anything I know.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: [Cole has just been treated for a gunshot wound] Doctor, can he be moved?
Dr. Miller: Sure, in a couple of hours, but don't go bouncin' him around.
Maudie: He can stay here. I'll... I'll make him comfortable.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Oh, I've got a fine bed over at my place. It's, uh, narrow and it's hard and it's uncomfortable, but, uh, he won't get bounced around.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Cole, they laughed at me. Right in front of McLeod, they just laughed at me.
Cole: They've been laughing at you for a couple of months. You just haven't being sober enough to hear it.
Bull Harris: [Cole gets ready to punch J.P] Cole! He won't feel it.
Cole: Well, I owe him one.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Bull, you go on shooting, we'll try to move up a little closer.
Bull Harris: Just give me another gun and I'll play Marching Through Georgia.
Milt: You've got a lot of faith in me, don't ya, Nelse?
Nelse McLeod: Faith can move mountains, Milt, but it can't beat a faster draw. There's only three men I know with his kind of speed. One's dead. The other's me. And the third is Cole Thornton.
Cole: There's a fourth.
Nelse McLeod: Which one are you?
Cole: I'm Thornton.
[Milt withdraws]
Nelse McLeod: Aren't you glad you didn't try, Milt? Pick up your guns, both of you, real easy.
Cole: Like he said, real easy.
Bull Harris: ...might have anyhow if I wasn't tryin' to figure out what that fella's got on his head.
Mississippi: It called a hat.
Bull Harris: Well, I'll have to take your word for it.
Cole: Step down off that horse.
Mississippi: You always giving people orders?
Mississippi: [Joey slaps Mississippi and he slaps her] Now don't do that again 'cause I can hit a little harder than you.
Cole: Sheriff, you... you alright?
[Sees J.P's face]
Cole: No, you ain't.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Why aren't you laughing now? It's the same drunken sheriff, the same hat, the same outfit, why don't you laugh? Let me hear you laugh!
Maudie: You must like that man. Want me to tell you about him?
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: You don't have to tell me about Cole.
Maudie: I know I don't. That's why I want to. I met Cole right after my husband was killed. I did tell you that.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Yeah, you told me.
Maudie: Well, there I was stranded. A gambler's widow, not a chip to my name. Cole was awful good to me. Gave me a stake. Helped me get on my feet. Never would take a... I don't know, J.P., with Cole and me I guess it's a... I'll always think of him as a... , as a...
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: He's a top hand.
Maudie: I guess so.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Yeah, well, Cole always was pretty lucky.
Maudie: Have you known him a long time?
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Yeah, I've known him a long time, since before the war. We've, uh, we've travelled some together.
Maudie: Sure, I know what that means. It means either you saved his life or he saved yours, or both. And neither one of you will talk about it. Men.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Would you like it set to music, Maudie, with a full orchestra?
[Cole Thornton is turning down Bart Jason]
Bart Jason: Since when did hired guns get choosy? You're paid to take...
Cole: I'm paid to risk my neck. I'll decide where and when I'll do it. This isn't it.
Bart Jason: Ya know, Thornton, I got an idea you just don't want to go up against Sheriff J.P. Harrah.
Cole: You know, you're just about right?
Bart Jason: You think he's that good?
Cole: I tell ya he's that good.
Mississippi: Always liked that poem too. Makes me wanna...
Cole: Ride, boldly ride? Well, it don't work out that way.
Mississippi: I'm learnin' that.
[talking about Jason, who's in jail]
Joey: Would it be all right if I could see him, talk to him?
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Why sure, Joey. Just, uh, let me have that gun.
Joey: Never mind.
Cole: You left a boy out there to do a man's job!
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: [bathing in the jail cell as several people enter] Good morning, good morning, good morning... I'd have more privacy in the El Paso railroad station.
Nelse McLeod: [referring to Harrah] Understand he used to be pretty good with a gun.
Cole: Not just *pretty* good, McLeod. He's the...
Nelse McLeod: The fourth man you were telling me about.
Cole: Aren't you gonna say anything?
Maudie: Would it do me any good to say it?
Cole: Say what?
Maudie: That this is crazy? No, I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna go out and buy you a pine box.
Cole: You were pretty good in there. Like old times.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Man, don't tell me how good I was. I just got away with it because I had an hangover. I was too mad to be scared and too sick to worry about it. You know that.
Cole: I've been there.
Cole: When do you expect the United States Marshal?
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Oh man, I don't remember the last time he was here.
Bull Harris: He was here. You gave him a big welcome. Flung a bottle at him.
Cole: An empty bottle?
Bull Harris: Yeah, he wasn't that far gone.
Cole: J.P., why don't you settle down?
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: I just can't help it Cole. I've got the shakes so bad... .
Cole: You've had 'em before.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Yeah, well not with a hole in my leg, and a bunch of unfriendly people hanging around outside just waiting for somebody to... .
Cole: What do you wanna do? Quit?
Bull Harris: I reckon he's got a more interesting misery than you got, Sheriff.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Look, Doc, I don't wanna take up your time but, er, mine's still bleeding.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: I guess you're supposed to take care of me.
Cole: Well, not that I couldn't do it, Harrah, but I don't think I'd like that.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: I'm glad to hear you say that. Not that I couldn't handle you, but I don't think I'd like that either.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Why are you here?
Cole: Waiting for a fella. Name's Nelse McLeod.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Oh, Nelse McLeod with the...
Cole: That one. Want some coffee?
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: No, I don't.
Cole: I met him down near the border. Said he wanted me to work with him on a job. Range war. But he said it'd be easy. All we had to worry about was a drunken sheriff. Are you sure you don't want some coffee?
Doctor Donovan: You know these wounds were made by buckshot don't you?
Cole: I thought they were.
Doctor Donovan: Who was using a shotgun?
Cole: A certain young man... .
Mississippi: I was using a shotgun, Doc.
Doctor Donovan: You? I thought you was on their side.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: He was.
Mississippi: I told you I was no good with a gun.
Bull Harris: Trouble is, Doc, Cole was in front of the gun. The safe place is behind Mississippi when he shoots that thing.
Nelse McLeod: Can you use a gun?
Mississippi: Well, if I could I'd be using one. Good evening.
Cole: Just minute, Mississippi.
Mississippi: Would you mind telling me why you have such a great passion for my company?
Mississippi: Are you bein' fair?
Cole: How?
Mississippi: Lettin' him go in there?
Cole: Well, I'd hate to be the one to try and stop him. They laughed at him, Mississippi. That'll make the difference.
Cole: Don't you know better than to follow a man that way?
Mississippi: Sorry... I didn't know there was another way.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: You thought it was pretty funny, too, didn't you. Well, why aren't you laughing now? Let me hear you laugh!
[smashes Jason with his rifle]
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: I don't know who you think you are, Jason, but I...
Cole: J.P.!
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: No. You're right, Cole. You're a lucky man, Jason, 'cause I wanted to kill you bad!
Cole: Last time you took the front door and I took the back, this time we'll do'er the other way around.
Kevin MacDonald: You always seem to be around, Thornton, when one of my boys get hurt.
Cole: [after the gunfight in the church] Where'd you come from?
Bull Harris: I heard a noise!
Mississippi: [about Joey] She was really gonna shoot that fella.
Cole: She shot me.
Mississippi: She shot... uh... 'n that somethin'...
Bart Jason: You just going to sit there, Mcleod?
Nelse McLeod: [Facing down Mississippi's sawed-off shotgun] ... Well there really isn't very much I can do right now, is there, Jason?
Cole: Pretty wise for a kid, Maudie.
Maudie: I think you must be the only person who thinks of me as a kid, Cole.
Sheriff J. P. Harrah: Up until now I thought you had good taste.
Cole: Yeah, and up until now I thought you had good taste.
Cole: The girl was right; they're still up there.
Bull Harris: Sure are... hit me right in the bugle!
Kevin MacDonald: [questioning Cole Thornton who has brought Luke McDonald's body home] You said he was asleep, how do you know he was asleep?
Cole: He told me that... told me his name. That's how I knew where to bring him. And he said you told him what happens to a man that's *gut* shot... how he hasn't got much of a chance. Did you tell him that?
Kevin MacDonald: Yeah, I told him that.
Cole: Well then you're partly to blame. You'll find two bullets in him... one of 'em's mine. He was hurtin' worse'n he could stand... had a handgun that I didn't see. Any more *questions* you wanna ask?
Kevin MacDonald: No. I guess you're tellin' the truth. I guess if you weren't you would never brought him here. I'm much obliged to ya for that.
Cole: [takes a deep breath] It don't help much.
[turns horse and slowly rides away]
Joey: [Standing over Cole's prone body, thinking he's been shot dead] I reckon you won't shoot any more little boys, mister.
Cole: [Cole knocks Joey's feet out from under her and takes her gun] Next time you shoot somebody, don't go near them till you're sure they're dead.
Joey: I don't know why you're still alive. I don't know how I missed you from that range.
Cole: [Smearing blood on Joey] You didn't miss.
Joey: You going to keep sitting on my stomach?
Mississippi: Ah, well, I'm, uh, comfortable.
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061619/quotes/qt2628291
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